In which I am SO STYLIN'
Okay, so here's what happened. Karla May cleaned out her closet the other day, and although stupid fucking Blogger wouldn't let her post the pictures, she described in detail some of the horrors found within.
And so me being me, I thought, "I can do better than THAT."
And so I shall. This is shit that's been in my closet for years but that I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away. And I NEVER WILL. Because it's all FUCKING AWESOME.
Behold! The acid-washed denim parka with attached grey hoodie!
That shit is SO coming back in style soon! It is! Shut up!
Silk cropped drawstring cargo pants from Target. Two pairs! Beige and olive! Because I really need a pair of silk cropped drawstring cargo pants to go with everything in my closet! Like this little number:
I have no memory of this frayed, misshapen flowered sweater at all. I'm not even entirely convinced it's mine. It's too small for DH though, so it must be. Oh wait, I know! I must have worn it during that brief period when I was A NINETY YEAR OLD WOMAN. AND DEAD.
I fucking loved this shirt and wore it at least once a week. With black knit elastic-waist tapered pants. And black pointy-toed man shoes. To work. Oh hell yes, I did. And then I wondered why I had migraines all the time.
Another work outfit I loved. Cropped fitted jacket, high elastic-waist tapered pants with pleats (and cuffs!), all in a lovely black/olive plaid. I got this at the Everything $5.99 Store. Damn fucking STRAIGHT. I loved that store, man.
I STILL love this dress even though I will never fit into it again. And even if I could, people would point and laugh BUT I WOULDN'T CARE. Very fitted, not quite ankle-length, with shoulderpads. It made my tits and ass look amazing and my waist look impossibly teeny. I wore it to every wedding I ever attended between the years of 1986 and 1994. If you lived in the central Texas area at all during that time, you probably recognize it. Hello! That was me! Why yes, I HAVE gained a whole fucking bunch of weight, how nice of you to notice!
Okay, now we're getting more into casual wear. I wore this fucking AWESOME, OH YES IT IS TOO, sweater with a white tank and white miniskirt. And white jelly shoes. You totally want to fuck me now, admit it.
I went through a bit of a vest phase for a while there. I wore this particular piece of What The Fuck? to work AND to clubs. With a white tee and the aforementioned black tapered pants and man shoes. OR, when I wanted to be all punk and shit, with a white TANK and JEANS and the man shoes. Tapered, acid-washed jeans, natch. Anarchy in the UK! Woo!
I actually made this vest. Oh fuck yeah. Picked out the fabric with the little chickens and kitties and bunnies on it and everything. Washed it, ironed it, laid it out on the floor and cut out the pattern pieces. Stitched it up, ironed it again, washed it some more and at no point during that process did it ever occur to me that HOLY FUCK DUDE, YOU ARE MAKING A VEST WITH CHICKENS AND KITTIES AND BUNNIES ON IT THAT YOU ACTUALLY INTEND TO WEAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING YOU FUCKING MORON?!
I also went through an unfortunate I Give Up My Ass Is Huge Dress phase after the kids were born. The less said about these sexy little numbers, the better.
Except that I made that last one, too! I did! HAHAHA! Okay, seriously, what was I on? Was it the Vicodin? Because I know that shit makes me hallucinate, but I don't remember actually hallucinating my way to the fucking fabric store. Oh, and also? I am at my fattest NOW, and you could STILL fit about six of me into that dress. And six of you, too. We could have an ORGY up in that motherfucker.
Okay, so now we come to the clubwear section of my closet. This is the stuff I wore to The Back Room to see Will and the Kill and Dangerous Toys because I was all eclectic like that. This is the stuff I was hoping would get me laid. This, folks, is why I am a serial monogamist.
The huge black see-through shirt with gold polka-dots. The better for you to admire my lacy black bra. I wore this with a black skin-tight miniskirt, black patent fuck-me pumps, and lots and lots of hair. With mall bangs. And giant earrings. And the bra. SO. FUCKING. HOT.
The long see-through black lace skirt. I actually only remember wearing this once, to Carnivale with DH when we were dating. I can't remember what the hell I wore under/with it, and I will bet you 20 bucks he doesn't, either. I just remember freezing my fucking ass off because Carnivale is in FEBRUARY, yo.
Okay, but I am saving the best for last. Because lurking in my closet is the absolute pride of my wardrobe. The one garment that really defines me. The one that tells the world who I am. The one I wore to every club, every concert venue, every fucking place I could. I bought it with my very first credit card and it took me about 10 years to pay off because I didn't get that whole interest rate/minimum payment thing, but I digress and you're getting bored now SO! I bring you!
drumroll
drumroll some more
are you sitting down?
because maybe you should
and fix yourself a nice drink
while you're at it, fix me one too
um, what were we talking about again?
oh yeah!
CYMBAL CRASH!
The cropped, fringed, shoulder-padded, double-breasted, rhinestone and star-shaped chrome studded BLACK DENIM BIKER JACKET!
I win.
Thank you, and good night.
And so me being me, I thought, "I can do better than THAT."
And so I shall. This is shit that's been in my closet for years but that I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away. And I NEVER WILL. Because it's all FUCKING AWESOME.
Behold! The acid-washed denim parka with attached grey hoodie!
That shit is SO coming back in style soon! It is! Shut up!
Silk cropped drawstring cargo pants from Target. Two pairs! Beige and olive! Because I really need a pair of silk cropped drawstring cargo pants to go with everything in my closet! Like this little number:
I have no memory of this frayed, misshapen flowered sweater at all. I'm not even entirely convinced it's mine. It's too small for DH though, so it must be. Oh wait, I know! I must have worn it during that brief period when I was A NINETY YEAR OLD WOMAN. AND DEAD.
I fucking loved this shirt and wore it at least once a week. With black knit elastic-waist tapered pants. And black pointy-toed man shoes. To work. Oh hell yes, I did. And then I wondered why I had migraines all the time.
Another work outfit I loved. Cropped fitted jacket, high elastic-waist tapered pants with pleats (and cuffs!), all in a lovely black/olive plaid. I got this at the Everything $5.99 Store. Damn fucking STRAIGHT. I loved that store, man.
I STILL love this dress even though I will never fit into it again. And even if I could, people would point and laugh BUT I WOULDN'T CARE. Very fitted, not quite ankle-length, with shoulderpads. It made my tits and ass look amazing and my waist look impossibly teeny. I wore it to every wedding I ever attended between the years of 1986 and 1994. If you lived in the central Texas area at all during that time, you probably recognize it. Hello! That was me! Why yes, I HAVE gained a whole fucking bunch of weight, how nice of you to notice!
Okay, now we're getting more into casual wear. I wore this fucking AWESOME, OH YES IT IS TOO, sweater with a white tank and white miniskirt. And white jelly shoes. You totally want to fuck me now, admit it.
I went through a bit of a vest phase for a while there. I wore this particular piece of What The Fuck? to work AND to clubs. With a white tee and the aforementioned black tapered pants and man shoes. OR, when I wanted to be all punk and shit, with a white TANK and JEANS and the man shoes. Tapered, acid-washed jeans, natch. Anarchy in the UK! Woo!
I actually made this vest. Oh fuck yeah. Picked out the fabric with the little chickens and kitties and bunnies on it and everything. Washed it, ironed it, laid it out on the floor and cut out the pattern pieces. Stitched it up, ironed it again, washed it some more and at no point during that process did it ever occur to me that HOLY FUCK DUDE, YOU ARE MAKING A VEST WITH CHICKENS AND KITTIES AND BUNNIES ON IT THAT YOU ACTUALLY INTEND TO WEAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING YOU FUCKING MORON?!I also went through an unfortunate I Give Up My Ass Is Huge Dress phase after the kids were born. The less said about these sexy little numbers, the better.
Except that I made that last one, too! I did! HAHAHA! Okay, seriously, what was I on? Was it the Vicodin? Because I know that shit makes me hallucinate, but I don't remember actually hallucinating my way to the fucking fabric store. Oh, and also? I am at my fattest NOW, and you could STILL fit about six of me into that dress. And six of you, too. We could have an ORGY up in that motherfucker.Okay, so now we come to the clubwear section of my closet. This is the stuff I wore to The Back Room to see Will and the Kill and Dangerous Toys because I was all eclectic like that. This is the stuff I was hoping would get me laid. This, folks, is why I am a serial monogamist.
The huge black see-through shirt with gold polka-dots. The better for you to admire my lacy black bra. I wore this with a black skin-tight miniskirt, black patent fuck-me pumps, and lots and lots of hair. With mall bangs. And giant earrings. And the bra. SO. FUCKING. HOT.
The long see-through black lace skirt. I actually only remember wearing this once, to Carnivale with DH when we were dating. I can't remember what the hell I wore under/with it, and I will bet you 20 bucks he doesn't, either. I just remember freezing my fucking ass off because Carnivale is in FEBRUARY, yo.Okay, but I am saving the best for last. Because lurking in my closet is the absolute pride of my wardrobe. The one garment that really defines me. The one that tells the world who I am. The one I wore to every club, every concert venue, every fucking place I could. I bought it with my very first credit card and it took me about 10 years to pay off because I didn't get that whole interest rate/minimum payment thing, but I digress and you're getting bored now SO! I bring you!
drumroll
drumroll some more
are you sitting down?
because maybe you should
and fix yourself a nice drink
while you're at it, fix me one too
um, what were we talking about again?
oh yeah!
CYMBAL CRASH!
The cropped, fringed, shoulder-padded, double-breasted, rhinestone and star-shaped chrome studded BLACK DENIM BIKER JACKET!I win.
Thank you, and good night.
posted by Badger at 11:08 AM
37 Comments:
LMAO!
Hey, I bought that same chicken-cats-bunnies fabric! Except I made kitchen curtains with mine.
:o)
You must have some big ass closets in Casa de Badger to be able to hold on to so many......treasures.
Bring them to Blogher and we'll put on a runway show!
OMG--that sweater vest thing? With the black and white plaid? Back in style, bitches. Right here.
I saw those hanging in the window at my local Banana Republic last night, and all that is good within me cried out for mercy. NOT THE SWEATERVEST, PEOPLE!
(crying)Oh, you win, you win....
The flowered sweater. Are those ribbon flowers? 'Cause if it is, it looks smoking hot in off-white with a long lace skirt and those (damned uncomfortable) woven wicker shoes.
Or it did in the eighties. We have pictoral evidence. Although I may be hiding my face....
I bow to you, oh queen of cropped, fringed, shoulder-padded, double-breasted, rhinestone and star-shaped chrome studded BLACK DENIM BIKER JACKET brilliance.
None can compete with your fashiom-forward, classic stylings.
You are such a bitch. I am about to go to bed, cuz it's like, bed time in Norway? And then I read this? And now I need xanax to help me sleep because i am seriously traumatized, yo. I mean, really.
But vests are coming back...so keep those. Well, maybe not the chicken kitty bunny foo foo one.
But we could talk about sewing experiments....and shoulder pads.
I think I had an epileptic fit when I saw the orange printy shirt thingy.
I hate you.
I don't think they can actually CHARGE you with murdering me with this post -
but contributions to my obituary can be sent to K at kwb@mac.com.
Oh my god, SO funny that nearly killed me!
Even though I wasn't in TX, we had frighteningly similar wardrobes and savvy fashion stylings in the 80s. It made me oh-so-sad to finally part with the oversized boxy green brocade blazer with the linebacker shoulder pads. I kept the rhinestone tack pins I used to wear scattered across the lapels.
Worse than the sweater vest is the return of KNICKERS!! WTF, fashionistas?! Were they not horrifying enough the last time around? Sweet kitchen-scrubbing Jesus! Save us from THE HORROR!!
Do you have any more closets with treasures? Kick ass post!
PLEASE get rid of the acid washed jacket. I'm cringing here as I think every one of those jackets look smooshy dirty to me. I don't know how to explain smooshy dirty, but well, they are. Ew ew ew ew! Although I may have dated someone with that jacket before, but that's neither here nor there.
And the flowered sweater - I have to confess. I buy one of those damn things every couple years and swear I can pair it with a pair of jeans and wicked shoes or hair scarf and look all cutesy retro, but then my body takes revenge and reminds me in those sweaters that I look like a grandmother. At 27.
This is so unfair. How in the world have you managed to keep hold of all these things? We've moved so many times that all such remnants of horror have been excised from my wardrobe. I can't compete now, but I so could have before I cleaned out my garage before the move before the last move before this one.
Thanks for a post that made me spew water from my nose.
delurking to tell you that I could totally use at least 1/2 that shit for my costume closet!
Seriously - I use them to costume shows. I'd have died and gone to heaven if I could have put that last jacket in Footloose!
You rock for keeping them, and even more for sharing!
It's all back, Badger, fuckin all of it. Hard to believe, but there it is.
We must be roughly the same vintage, I could relate to almost all of it.
Though I know I have nothing to gain by admitting that.
Wish I'd kept all mine, could have given you a run for your money.
Soooo funny!! I owned very similar outfits myself. Did I really get up, drape some "jumper" type dress over my body, bundle up my babies, and bounce around thinking I was cute? And, when shoulder pads went out of style I vowed I would never give them up....they were so flattering! Thanks for the laugh!
I swear to you, when I had my Glamour Shots (anyone got any of THOSE lying around?) done, I wore that black denim studded biker jacket! I must retrieve photographic evidence from my parent's house... or maybe just burn it.
Hm. I think I should break out the black suede pants with laces up the sides and a looooong tasseled belt! And the faux-snakeskin CFMN boots!
Oh yes!
And borrow your see-through black top and pair THAT with the pleather bra with silver studs.
Stylin'.
DO I HAVE GLAMOUR SHOTS? DO I?! Check my archives for April 13, 2006. Oh fuck yeah, I have Glamour Shots. Don't make me pull out the REST of them, people.
Whoo, baby! How did I miss that entry?
That does it. Next time home, I'm going to scan mine.
Your pose is MUCH better than mine was, though. Very come-hithery.
You had me hyperventilating at the very first picture.
[Blinks dumbly at screen]
-J.
dude. You SO win.
Um, I HAVE THAT SAME JACKET!!! In periwinkle, no less. And I've kept it, too. You know, for when the Bon Jovi thing comes back in style.
Shit this was funny! Thanks for sharing.
I am CRYING. Your clothes made me CRY!! NOW how do you feel?!
God oh mighty. You definitely win.
The vests!!
The jumpers!!
The fucking fringed leather coat!!
I don't know why Blogger likes you more than me and lets you post photos while it holds mine hostage.
Fuckin' bloggger...
You are soooo stylish.
And the bedazzler jacket, pricelesss
BWAH-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa! I just found you through either Alice or Eden, I can't remember. But holy sha-MOLEY is this post funny. I have stuff in my closet that might rival yours.
That red dress? I had it in "soft" blue... I wore it home from the hospital after the birth of my first child... and every single day for the next 4 months.
However, I will see your floral wedding dress and will raise you 1 red suede dress with ruching and shoulder pads and one leather bodice/suede skirt dress with bronze embellishments... both worn, I am pretty sure, with shiny stockings.
Yet another reason to be happy that I live in such a tiny apartment. Before we buy new clothes, we have to dump the old to make room. So I never have to come face-to-face with the past when I check out what's in my closet.
ROFLMAO! Scary thing is, I think I had one of every single outfit you posted. Well, except the black leather jacket, and I don't know HOW I missed that one.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane!
People! The fringed jacket is not leather. It's DENIM. That makes it WORSE, don't you see?
It is BLACK denim, though. Which is all kinds of classy, I think we can agree.
And the fringe is suede. Or maybe "suede". I'm not really sure.
Badger,
Michael Jackson called. He wants his jacket back.
Hilarious!
I've only just met you but I love you :)
I've looked through this gallery of shame twice now, and all I can say is, "yosscq." Which also happens to be my word ver.
good LORD, badger. you do win. i won't even try.
ok maybe i will. maybe.
OMG, I thought this out-ed Bad Clothes Post was funny and then I checked out your out-ed Glamour Shot Post. Squawking with laughter...
OMG - someone get me a Depends, that was pee in your pants hilarious!
Hey, Badger, here I am RE-READING your post from 2006 because it made Schutzie's Five Star Friday--let me be the first to congratulate you!
So, um, did you get rid of any of this fabulous loot?
Brilliant photos and great idea for a post. That really brought back some sad ol' memories. I remember acid wash jeans like it was yesterday; they were my first real item that I bought For Fashion.
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