Breaking the girl
Hello, I just spent two hours listening to some woman tell me why DH and I should pay her organization SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS to teach our girl child how to spell.
This was after she accused DH of being overly critical of the girl and thus causing her confidence problems at school, an accusation that was hurled maybe 10 minutes after she first laid eyes on us and without benefit of her ever having SPOKEN to the girl child except to ask her name. An accusation that was SO COMPLETELY removed from who DH is as a father and the relationship he has with the girl that, in fact, it didn't even register with him when she said it.
But I heard it. And I spent the next hour and 50 minutes struggling not to punch this woman in the head.
This is what we are faced with as parents of children with special needs, particularly if we are so bold as to seek help for them.
When I was filling out forms for the boy child to be evaluated, at my request, by the school district to see whether he was disabled enough to qualify for services, I had to tell them what he eats for breakfast. Because, you know, too much sugary cereal can apparently BREAK MY CHILD'S BRAIN and give him the Aspergers. (God knows what they would have done if I'd listed what he actually eats for breakfast every day, which of course is a shot of bourbon and a pound of teriyaki-flavored beef jerky. What? Is that wrong?)
When I read the school district's evaluation of my child, it read in part: "Boy Child presented as a well-groomed 9 year old." Because, you know, if the kid's hair is too long and unkempt he can get ADHD. And if you let him walk around with his shirt tail hanging out, you are just ASKING for Dyslexia. You stupid parent, you.
If something is wrong with your child's brain, it's all your fault. Yes, it is. You expect too much or too little out of him/her. You are too rigid or not rigid enough. You have too many rules or too few. You work outside the home or you are home all the time. You feed him too much junk or you never let him have any at all. You let her watch too much TV or you never let her watch it so she feels socially awkward. You have him in too many activities. You aren't challenging him enough. You let her go to bed too late or make her go to bed too early.
It's your fault. You did something wrong and now look, you broke the poor kid's brain. I hope you're happy with yourself.
Until today, no one has actually come out and said this, in so many words, to DH or myself. Usually they say it in questions rather than accusations. What does he eat for breakfast? How much TV does she watch? What are his hobbies? How does she get along with other children?
(Answers: Bourbon and jerky! About 14 hours a day! Taxidermy! She pokes them in the eyes repeatedly until they go away!)
You broke your kid, you dumb fuck, but hey! We can fix her!
FOR SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS.
This was after she accused DH of being overly critical of the girl and thus causing her confidence problems at school, an accusation that was hurled maybe 10 minutes after she first laid eyes on us and without benefit of her ever having SPOKEN to the girl child except to ask her name. An accusation that was SO COMPLETELY removed from who DH is as a father and the relationship he has with the girl that, in fact, it didn't even register with him when she said it.
But I heard it. And I spent the next hour and 50 minutes struggling not to punch this woman in the head.
This is what we are faced with as parents of children with special needs, particularly if we are so bold as to seek help for them.
When I was filling out forms for the boy child to be evaluated, at my request, by the school district to see whether he was disabled enough to qualify for services, I had to tell them what he eats for breakfast. Because, you know, too much sugary cereal can apparently BREAK MY CHILD'S BRAIN and give him the Aspergers. (God knows what they would have done if I'd listed what he actually eats for breakfast every day, which of course is a shot of bourbon and a pound of teriyaki-flavored beef jerky. What? Is that wrong?)
When I read the school district's evaluation of my child, it read in part: "Boy Child presented as a well-groomed 9 year old." Because, you know, if the kid's hair is too long and unkempt he can get ADHD. And if you let him walk around with his shirt tail hanging out, you are just ASKING for Dyslexia. You stupid parent, you.
If something is wrong with your child's brain, it's all your fault. Yes, it is. You expect too much or too little out of him/her. You are too rigid or not rigid enough. You have too many rules or too few. You work outside the home or you are home all the time. You feed him too much junk or you never let him have any at all. You let her watch too much TV or you never let her watch it so she feels socially awkward. You have him in too many activities. You aren't challenging him enough. You let her go to bed too late or make her go to bed too early.
It's your fault. You did something wrong and now look, you broke the poor kid's brain. I hope you're happy with yourself.
Until today, no one has actually come out and said this, in so many words, to DH or myself. Usually they say it in questions rather than accusations. What does he eat for breakfast? How much TV does she watch? What are his hobbies? How does she get along with other children?
(Answers: Bourbon and jerky! About 14 hours a day! Taxidermy! She pokes them in the eyes repeatedly until they go away!)
You broke your kid, you dumb fuck, but hey! We can fix her!
FOR SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS.
Labels: and you wonder why I hate people
posted by Badger at 3:36 PM
29 Comments:
We, too, get some of that from supposedly well-meaning people who somehow feel that 5 minutes alone with Gonzo makes them so expert that Doctor Spock looks like John Wayne Gacy by comparison. I'm pretty laid back, but someone telling me "That boy needs..." ticks me off. "That boy needs discipline!" You mean the boy who has the same parents as the well-behaved girl? The one who gets the same discipline and respect that the well-behaved girl gets?
One of Gonzo's Scout leaders told us about a month ago, "Your boy really needs to be on medication." We replied, "He *is* on medication." ("You dumbass" was not said, but strongly implied.) "We can take him *off* the medication if you don't believe us...." That ended the conversation.
Some people know everything. And we, apparently, are not some people.
That is such a bunch of ____ _______. Badger, don't let those people push you and your DH around. The girl across the street has severe dyslexia. She will never spell yet she graduated from a good university and is almost through with her credentialing as a school psychologist. She is the person who will help your kids. Been there, done that.
You should be proud you didn't go totally toe-to-toe with her. I probably would have let loose with a stream of commentary/invective that would have gotten me into a heap of trouble.
Advocating for our children shouldn't be so difficult, but somehow it always is.
That was excellent.
I'm really, really glad your boy and girl have you advocating for them, B.
And shame on that worker - jesus, you'd think that many years of schooling, they'd REQUIRE Tact 101 and Not Making Assumptions 102, wouldn't you?
I don't know how you didn't pop the woman in the mouth. Or at least forcefully correct her error. God.
I get this kind of crap with O all the time, too. It's maddening.
I hear ya.
Sounds like this woman was someone with her own agenda and unresolved problems. Bitch.
You? You were very good not knocking her teeth out.
Of course she had her own agenda. She wanted to sell you something and her tactic was to guilt you into it.
If she was a teacher, shame on her. If she was a human being, double shame.
Awesomely expressed, Badger!!
I used to work in the schools as a non teacher professional. I was required to participate in team meetings where a group of teachers, the counselor, and me... discussed "problems" brought to us for help by any teacher in the school. It was a monthly meeting.
My input was minimal, but I was appalled at the judgmental position these people placed themselves in. Apparently they all have absolutely perfect children and utterly problem-free lives.
No one could possibly please them. The parents who volunteered were criticized, the ones who didn't were too. They could find something negative to say about any parent and any child. It floored me. They would fit any parent or child or behavior to some preconceived idea of what they thought it should be, regardless of facts. It made me sick and derailed any thoughts I had of going into the teaching profession.
I have two children who are quiet, get good grades, have no behavior problems, yet I have no doubt they talked about me and my kids too.
Eff em all, is my attitude. Maybe it was just that school district, but really, I worked in three different districts over the years, and they were all like that to some degree.
Good post, and you are absolutely right and said it so elequently, as usual.
Why should your girl child have to spell when the world is going to shit-fer-spelling via text messaging? I read our babysitters txt msg tdy n cdnt blve it.
Sorry you suffered through such a meeting. Sounds like she was playing on fear and guilt to try to get you to sign up for a high-cost service. And that is just wrong. And those high-price private therapies frequently want you to change diet, sleep patterns, etc - stuff that is hard to change. Then when their therapy doesn't work? Well, you didn't REALLY work on changing that diet, sleep pattern or other stuff, did ya?! So, of course, you didn't get good results!
I bring our private therapists in with us for every meeting. They do most of the talking. I notice everybody sits up a little straighter at the table when we walk in as a team of 4, vs. just one beaten-down parent. Sad it's come to that, but I'm done negotiating for his services. And I can't evaluate the private stuff offered by myself, either! I don't understand all the lingo, and clutch at This-Will-Fix-Him straws.
Oh God! I nearly died laughing.... I shouldn't, I know --- I should feel sorry for you, having to deal with these idiots, and sorry for us, since we will surely have to deal with our very own contingent of similar idiots in the future... but I couldn't help it. I hate to say it, since you hate gin, but that is what I snorted. The wrong way.
Badger, well said.
I suppose I'm too white to get away with "You go girl" and do the snap thing, but that's what I'd do if you appeared as an apparition in front of me. Or maybe I'd apparate in front of you. Or something.
Well, if you don't like people, I'm glad you like ME! (Your profile thing always makes me smile.)
The type of mentality of which you speak is precisely why I became a teacher. So I could work for parents such as ourselves, not against.
That kind of attitude, presented to my parents regarding my brother, and even to me regarding my son, is unspeakable.
I wish I could change it single handedly; unfortunately, it will take some time for more educators to be more child-centered and less self-centered.
I struggle with my spelling still... two university degrees and I still have problems.
One of the best things you're doing is getting the girl child to read outloud. Reading aloud helps the brain associate the pronunciation of a word with how it is spelled.
I medical 'professional' once told me the reason Felix didn't sleep was because of the anxiety I felt when pregnant with him about how I'd manage a baby and Oscar.
I'm with ya all the way.
Think of it as an investment, the gift that keeps on giving. If we can't throw money and pills at our problems, then we may as well sink.
I think you should let your daughter get a pink mohawk before she goes back to school.
Hallelujah, sistah! My 20 year old son's bipolar disorder, back in the days of school testings, was caused by my personal incompetence and young age. And the fact that he had siblings. Who knew, right?
Gee, I wonder why people skip the helpful professionals step?!
Yes, I too am howling with laughter, and also am appalled that people are such fools (them, clearly not you!)(and PLEASE tell me you turned down the $6000 "opportunity"?)
and so Primo is reading on a fifth grade level at age six, rather than say, a ninth-grade level because i haven't sewn his shirttails to his pant-waists? good to know. Maybe I'll make him comb his hair so he can get a grip on those pesky OCD tendencies he has....wow, this makes life so much easier! Thanks, dude!
OK. Yeah. I'll try not to make this into a huge rant, but my 11-yr-old, even though she's so intelligent and charming and sociable and is a very hard worker had a terribly hard time reading and spelling. Her school says she can't have accomodations unless she goes through all the testing, so we're doing that this summer. And then, at the end of the summer, we have to sit down and figure out exactly what kind of accomodations she should get, if any.
And then we'll test my 13-yr-old to see if she's got some kind of ADD-type thing or if she's just a slacker.
This whole special needs world is such a minefield.
The things I have to look forward too...
I would've hauled off and clocked her but that's me.
It really speaks to the quality of the "program" they're trying to sell you when their primary sales technique is attacking and undermining the parents. That woman goes to the category of people you want to thrust in front of a mirror and yell in their faces "HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF???" I'm truly inspired by (1) your clarity of mind to immediately see through her bullshit and not get manipulated by the "expert" and (2) your self-control, having smelled the stink of the bullshit, not to rip her a new one. What she did was wildly unprofessional and inexcusable and if you have any avenues to lodge complaints against her or her program I hope that you will do so forcefully and save other parents who may be so beaten down and filled with self-doubt that this abhorrent tactic works and they're shelling out thousands of dollars to a shyster.
Badger, that shithead stands to gain monetarily from you. Ask yourself "Would I buy a used car from her?" If the answer is "no," than ignore her ass-vice.
We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on just having our kids tested, let alone the therapy, and frankly, I don't know how much good it did.
And the second tester gave us such crazy-ass advice that our "excuse me? WTF?" alarms went off. (It felt like like CAR ALARMS going BAH BAH BAH ... but thankfully, it was all in our minds.) We mutually agreed that said highly paid professional was full of shit. So we ignored her ass-vice.
It takes a tough mama to deliberately ignore these people, but somehow I think you're up to the job.
Oh, I have loads to say to you on this topic.
Loads and loads.
We should get loaded.
Hi Badger,
This bitchy 6K woman sounds terrible. It's also so annoying that you had to waste your time talking to her. You could have been having a martini or doing practially anything else, because it would have been more useful.
My husband is a teacher and says that schools no longer invest appropriate amounts of time and effort to teach kids spelling or grammar. He teaches high school and is constantly frustrated by how poorly ALL his students write and spell - and this is in a supposedly fantastic school system (ann arbor, mi). He thinks schools today have a bizarre attitude that most kids are going to magically learn spelling and grammar from reading and speaking. So I think you should feel 100% justified in blaming your daugher's school if she's having trouble. Why can't they teach her better? Why do you have to sort all this stuff out on your own? That's why you pay taxes! Anyway, definitely never see the six thousand dollar bitch again.
In China, I hear they can fix people's daughters for a buck-fifty.
No lie.
-J.
Just found you through ParentDish and you are the parent I wish I could be. My special needs child is 3, so we are really just beginning down the long and winding path of evaluations, guilt and assholes.
I agree with a PP that the world with a special needs child is a mine field. For crying out loud, I got such grief just trying to cancel his Medicaid because they had fucked it up. "What do you mean you want to end his coverage?" I mean that he can no longer receive his various, much needed therapies thanks to the suited bureaucrats sitting in the state house who have no idea what my child needs but think they can make crucial decisions for him anyway. I mean those same suits chose a care plan without informing me of an impending change and making it impossible for the early intervention plan to provide services to us or other needy children and causing said program to lose money and close down. Dick Wads! Thank goodness my husband works for the county and we have great benefits.
There is already so much guilt in parenthood, even when you have one of the so-called "normal" children. If only I had taken it easier at work, my son wouldn't have had to be ripped from my body at 25 weeks. If only I had better stress-management, we wouldn't have both almost died. If only my body was a better incubator, I wouldn't have had to abandon my 21 mos old daughter every day to visit her brother in NICU, I wouldn't have to neglect her and her high needs to help her brother and deal with his needs. And that has just covered the first 3 years of my son's life.
They both start school in August, so that will bring more guilt. She will be in a PreK-4 program at a preschool and he will be in the special needs preschool at an Elementary School. I won't be able to take them both to school because they placed him in the farthest school they possibly could, even though I discussed my concern with them. So, guess who gets Mommy on the first day of school and who, yet again, gets her needs pushed to the back burner? Oh god, and they're only almost 3 and almost 5! How the hell am I going to survive their childhoods? How are they?
Anywho, I'm glad you were able to maintain your dignity with that woman, I would have shoved her to the floor and jumped on top of her, pulling her hair and screaming in her face, shaming my husband. I hate people!
I have two special needs kids and I'm a single parent. So EVERYTHING is my fault because being brought up by a single parent, even one so highly educated that I make them look like the morons they really are, is the root cause of bipolar disorder, ADHD, NVLD and CAPD. All of which are neurological disorders caused by brain damage during a premature birth and IUGR. But oh, that's not really important when you're a single parent. It's all your fault.
I became an educational advocate just to be able to fight the system. I can't stand watching parents take the garbage that the 'experts' dish out. It's wrong, it's unfair, and it's discrimination. Plus it's a way of getting parents to seek their own help instead of letting the school systems take the responsibility for helping the children. Because money talks and if the schools make you feel like crap, you'll seek help elsewhere, right?
Your goal as a parent is to have, on your special needs child's permanent record, in bright red letters the following:
"Parent has attorney. Isn't afraid to use."
That gets you what you want. Heh.
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